Apr 17, 2012

Chasing an Angel from Montgomery


Late at night, under the stars on a river dock at Casa Guatemala orphanage, a beautiful American volunteer introduced me to Angel From Montgomery. Her voice rang out across the water, over the muted night sounds of the jungle, and I fell in love with her and Bonnie Rait and that brilliant John Prine song.

Then she left, and took her tangled beauty and her lyrical Spanish and her song with her. I was left with the feel of her long hair on my fingertips, a mysterious address in Grinnell Iowa where her mail could be forwarded, and a fragment of the song with with a vague idea of how to play it.

For years I tentatively wrote letters of earnest friendship addressed "c/o Weirs", envisioning them arriving at a squat white clapboard farmhouse, stout midWest woman tucking crumpled, reused envelopes into her apron and wondering who this vagrant young man was, clucking at stamps from Africa and Canada and Ohio then Africa again. Then sending them on to her dear young vagrant friend to India and Australia and Amsterdam, wondering as much as I did at this tenuous connection.
If dreams were thunder, and lightning was desire
This old house would have burned down a long time ago

And for years I chased the song, singing that one tender verse about buzzing flies in youth hostels, Zaire river cargo ships, Rocky Mountain rest stops and Ohio grad school bars. Many said the song sounded familiar, but none could bring it home for me.
There's flies in the kitchen - I can hear them buzzing
And I aint done nothing since I woke up today
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
Come home in the evening and have nothing to say

Finally, an old woman in the Ozark mountains of Arkansas not only knew it, but knew the singer and the words. With trembling hands she wrote the lyrics by firelight and handed them to my equally trembling hands, about to realize one part of my quest. But as often happens, the morning after didn't live up to the night's magic. She herself was an old woman so I couldn't read her writing, and I still couldn't really remember the tune or chords. But I had learned that Bonnie Rait was the singer, so a few months later I found the scratchy record album at the Akron Ohio library (yes, this was before CD's and google searches) and finally learned it, and sing it to this day.

And years later - after a masters degree and 3 years in a Tanzanian fishing village and a civil war in Zaire - I closed the loop with my American Beauty. My despairing "I'm lonely" newsletter from Ghana went to Grinnell Iowa - the self-proclaimed "Jewel of the Prarie" - and on to dear Laura and her hubby and baby in Australia, where my Call of the Wild was heard loud and clear. "He's ready", she realized, and sent a simple "You two should meet" email to her old college roommate who now lived in Texas and was now also ready, and with whom I had 3 things in common - we both baked bread, had lived in Africa, and loved to sing Bonnie Rait. In fact, during those years I was searching for the song (and, unknowingly, her), she was in her Chicago basement dubbing herself singing that same song in 5-part harmony.

Less than 2 years later that beautiful friend came to Tatoosh Washington, at the foot of Mt. Ranier, to watch her Michigan college roommate and her Guatemalan lice-picking friend say their vows that continue to grow strong 13 years later. That night on a Guatemalan fishing dock led to a wife, a lifelong friendship, a new song deep in my heart, and many many things to believe in. Our 10-year-old chose this as his first song to learn on guitar, and all 5 kids on our land love to enthusiastically belt out:
Just give me one thing that I can hold onto
To believe in this living, it's just a hard way to go.

Apr 15, 2012

Arrogant Canuck Fans


Canuck fans aren't arrogant. We're just so gosh-darn thrilled that we finally have a good team, and we can't quite believe it.

Is it arrogance if we really are the best? Note: 2 President's Cups and game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals can't all be luck.

Is it boasting if we're not trying to impress anyone, just share our excitement? I share the amazing things my boys do all the time, but I'm not boasting, just sharing my life and Joys. Where's that line - when we're trying to make ourselves look bigger/better instead of just being natural and human?

I remember a soccer practice at about age 13 when I finally figured out how to kick the larger size-5 ball up high. I was so over-the-moon, every successful kick I exclaimed to my buddy Ian "Wow, did you see that kick?!" He finally said I was boasting, but I wasn't, I was just sharing a pure, real Joy and amazement.

Truth is, even with the team's recent successes, we still at the core have an inferiority complex. The minute a Jonathan Quick or Tim Thomas gets hot, we think we'll never score. When the other team rushes down on a 2-on-1, we think they'll score. We think, "Here we go again, about to go back to the old Canuck losing ways." And when it doesn't, we're back to that jaw-dropping tell-the-world-about-it amazement.

We're not arrogant, we're just trying our best to finally believe in our perennial loser/choker team. It's not quite false bravado, it's more like trying to keep our eyes shut so the dream doesn't dissipate too quickly. If we yell just loud enough and long enough, maybe it really will be true.

Apr 13, 2012

Small Stuff

I fixed the laundry pipe today. After 16 months of water leaking out of the washing machine just outside the house, it's fixed. It took 5 minutes to fix, plus 6 seconds to cross off the Things To do list. Fixed. Done.

The damage to my house's foundation was probably minimal, but imagine the amount of energy it consumed as each week it reappeared on The List, and several times each week I thought about doing it. Now it's done, off the list, and (as of publishing this post) off my mind. Clear. Free.

Inspired, I re-stacked the wood that will be Crystal's patio - 4 months on the list, 1 hour to complete. Installed a new doorstop on the basement door - 9 months on the list, a winter of cold air and rats rushing under the door, 45 minutes to fix. Patched the flat tire that Galen got in January. Then rewarded us with a beautiful sunny bike ride to buy the hose connection for the cow's water that I've been wanting to rig up since the last frost of the year.

Tomorrow - replace that window pane that grandpa broke last August (for which I bought a replacement pane in October), install the under-the-sink garbage can that Sarah bought last May, stack the firewood that was chopped in November, and...

Addendum to "Don't sweat the small stuff; It's all small stuff." - DO THE SMALL STUFF. It really does go away.

Apr 1, 2012

Poo in the Pool

Signs of aging - a big floatie in the hot tub. I'm new to this Being-45 Thing - is incontinence an unavoidable symptom of getting old? Will I have to get special Depends for swimming?

To compound matters - and to the horror of my children - I got confused and took a bite, chewed, swallowed. As bad as slowly losing control of bodily functions is, early senility is infinitely more terrifying. I spiral downward to a Gabriel Garcia future of having to put labels on everything to remind me how to use them (100 Years of Solitude), with patient grandchildren reminding me their names and what's appropriate behavior with senior home nurses.

The final straw - or perhaps the silver lining - is that it tasted good. A bit chewier than I expected, and chunky in bits, but overall made me think there's more to wilderness survival than eating bark. I've already noticed that I need more syrup and salt and flavourings as my taste buds slowly wear out - old men often accuse their wives of trying to poison them because their favourite dishes taste different than before - but I'd always assumed it was a bad thing. Maybe after 45 years of blunted taste due to a large but largely dysfunctional nose, I'll finally be able to enjoy things (other than floating feces, that is).

So, dear friends, I've never been good at hiding the dark shadows of my life and persona, so I hope you understand my drive to share to share these new mid-life crisis woes. I was marvelously loved and spoiled for my birthday by my family and an flotilla of facebook fanatics, so this significant aging marker hasn't all been bad. But incontinence, senility and changing tastes are something I just had to share. Please console me, encourage me, let me know your own experiences so I know what I'll be facing in the next 45 years, and please also have a lovely april fools day, as the boys did when i sprang this Caddyshack gag of a Baby Ruth doodie in the pool this morning.

PS - About the photo - it's the only hottub shot we have on file (from 3 winters ago, if you're wondering). Besides, at my advanced age i'm allowed to make an ass of myself. As Jimmy Buffet sings (here's a good recording of the song, or here's a great shot of the cheesy "Parrotheads" culture that go along with a good Buffet show):

Now i'm gettin' old, don't wear underwear
I don't go to church and i don't cut my hair
But i can go to movies and see it all there
Just the way that it used to be

Mar 28, 2012

I am Valiant and Bold

At the end of my son's grade 2 school day, every day, the entire class stands with their arms crossed over their chests, facing the teacher, reciting in earnest unison:
I am strong, I am brave,
I am valiant and bold,
for the sun fills my heart with its life-giving gold.
I am helpful, and truthful and loving and free
for my heart's inner sunshine glows brightly in me.

I will open my heart to the sun beams so bright,
I will warm all the world with my heart's inner light.

I get shivers listening to these 8 year olds telling themselves over and over what good people they are and will be. Would that we all believed and lived the same, taking the time each day to remind ourselves of our core goodness and good intentions.

Waldorf is sometimes accused of being a cult. If this is the indoctrination, sign me up!

Mar 26, 2012

In Praise of Deadlines

Today, in just 14 hours, I have started and submitted 2 grant proposals, conducted a 5-hour Grants Research package then presented it to the fundraising committee, go the kids fed and bathed and to school by 8:30, finished off the basement bedroom for our Woofer volunteer arriving at 6:10, and had my first Getting Old Enough to Need A Physical drivers' license exam.

Deadlines were so tight I didn't even have time to think about whether or not I could make them. Just did them, one at a time until they were done. Work that would have taken me a full day each, with a few other procrastination and worrying days thrown in, just all got done because of deadlines.

Tomorrow I really need to finish an application for non-profit status that I promised a client 2 weeks ago. Problem has been that there's no deadline for submission. Instead I've spent 2 weeks worrying about their perception, about letting them down, about when I would possibly carve out the paltry 3 hours I need to do that first draft. I've wasted more energy in procrastination than it would have taken me to do it.

I need to impose some false deadline that is just believable enough that it'll motivate me like today without stressing me. Maybe a reward deadline - no peanut butter until it's done tomorrow morning. Or maybe just a hard rule of "no more than 3 weeks from the signing of the contract." But wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to play these self-deception mind games, or rely on some external force to set deadlines, and just worked hard at one thing when it was first presented and got it done?

My first day in grad school we were told 2 things. First, that worker satisfaction does not correlate with productivity (my first clue that I was in the wrong program.) The second was that the only real reason we were in grad school was for creative tension. We could read all the same stuff on our own without paying thousands of dollars, but we wouldn't unless the professor told us to, and set a test date to do it by. We were paying thousands of dollars to have someone give us a deadline.

Mar 21, 2012

Ten-Year-Old Wonders


Things my 10-year was interested/ecstatic about during his sick day today:
- waking up with me instead of his brother in bed this morning
- breakfast bowl of snow with blackberry syrup
- the first tulips coming up in our garden (pure ecstasy)
- undeniable evidence that the eggs he was frying for our lunch were fertilized (didn't stop us from eating them one bit - "Our new rooster is really doing his job well, isn't he Papa?!")
- learning the opening riff to ACDC's Back in Black (over and over and over and over), and Hard Day's Night with Sarah
- winning at Settlers of Cataan
- using his giant bird book to identify what species of sea gulls live in our part of the island
- Grandma coming to visit in 2 weeks
- Raw honey in his peppermint tea
- A long afternoon on the couch by the fire listening to an audio book of Prince Caspian
- impressive burps and farts at the dinner table
- Signing up for fiddle, percussion and guitar classes for this summer's FiddleWorks Camp on Saltspring Island
- Vancouver Canucks tied 1-1 at bedtime

What an open, beauty-appreciating, beauty-creating, beauty-full boy I'm blessed with.