Apr 1, 2012

Poo in the Pool

Signs of aging - a big floatie in the hot tub. I'm new to this Being-45 Thing - is incontinence an unavoidable symptom of getting old? Will I have to get special Depends for swimming?

To compound matters - and to the horror of my children - I got confused and took a bite, chewed, swallowed. As bad as slowly losing control of bodily functions is, early senility is infinitely more terrifying. I spiral downward to a Gabriel Garcia future of having to put labels on everything to remind me how to use them (100 Years of Solitude), with patient grandchildren reminding me their names and what's appropriate behavior with senior home nurses.

The final straw - or perhaps the silver lining - is that it tasted good. A bit chewier than I expected, and chunky in bits, but overall made me think there's more to wilderness survival than eating bark. I've already noticed that I need more syrup and salt and flavourings as my taste buds slowly wear out - old men often accuse their wives of trying to poison them because their favourite dishes taste different than before - but I'd always assumed it was a bad thing. Maybe after 45 years of blunted taste due to a large but largely dysfunctional nose, I'll finally be able to enjoy things (other than floating feces, that is).

So, dear friends, I've never been good at hiding the dark shadows of my life and persona, so I hope you understand my drive to share to share these new mid-life crisis woes. I was marvelously loved and spoiled for my birthday by my family and an flotilla of facebook fanatics, so this significant aging marker hasn't all been bad. But incontinence, senility and changing tastes are something I just had to share. Please console me, encourage me, let me know your own experiences so I know what I'll be facing in the next 45 years, and please also have a lovely april fools day, as the boys did when i sprang this Caddyshack gag of a Baby Ruth doodie in the pool this morning.

PS - About the photo - it's the only hottub shot we have on file (from 3 winters ago, if you're wondering). Besides, at my advanced age i'm allowed to make an ass of myself. As Jimmy Buffet sings (here's a good recording of the song, or here's a great shot of the cheesy "Parrotheads" culture that go along with a good Buffet show):

Now i'm gettin' old, don't wear underwear
I don't go to church and i don't cut my hair
But i can go to movies and see it all there
Just the way that it used to be



  2. Oh dear, Rick. You are very lucky I read to till the end!