Morning-after regrets

Dear NF: Last night was a mistake. I was tired and lonely and stupid. I didn't really want you, didn't really enjoy you. It's not your fault - you opened yourself up and gave me everything I said I wanted. But now I have to confess to my wife and my world my weakness, my betrayal, my wasted energy.

Last night I didn't write, play piano, practise guitar, learn to paint. Didn't read any of the gardening, spirituality, classic literature or current smut books on the shelves. Didn't bake some bread or create a baked alaska. Didn't create anything.

Last night I didn't knock off any of the work items that block up my headspace. Didn't deal with income tax or 124 inbox emails or any of the little niggling admin tasks I'm determined to clear off the list. Didn't build the new shelves or hang the fancy under-sink garbage cans or fix the rattling doorknob or any of the 20-minute DIY jobs that would make this place happier. Didn't do anything.

Last night I didn't call an old friend, a new friend, my wife. Didn't write a thank-you note to any of the dear people who have invited me over for dinner or dropped by to visit or made sure my birthday was beautiful. Didn't go to El Centro coffee shop or walk to a neighbour's or any of the places I could have found a friend. Didn't touch anyone.

Last night I watched a movie on NetFlix. Not even a good one. The whole time I knew I could be doing something that would nurture me or serve my family or connect with the world. Or enjoyed a hot tub under the stars, gone to bed at a reasonable hour and woken up fresh instead of with this self-incriminating Damn-my-lack-of-discipline hangover. This is why we got rid of our TV 5 years ago, and I hate this breach in our armour that lets it insiduously creep back in on my computer screen.

So dear NetFlix, please don't call tonight. Nothing personal (in fact, that's the problem.) Don't expect me to come back to you, cause today's all about me and my responsibilities and my community and my garden and my Joys. And none of that can be found in re-runs; it has to be created live.